Feeling Safe After Being Robbed

I've kept myself busy for weeks...
Preparing for Ella's 2nd memorial birthday...
Busy to stay focused...
Busy to feel safe...

For I've been robbed...

Just as it happened 20 years ago in Québec City...
When I shared a condo with my sister...
And 12 years ago...
When my loft was again broken into in Montréal...
I carry this fear...

This fear of not feeling safe...

It can show up in the middle of night...
When a strange noise is heard...

It is still there, after no many years...
Always...
In a corner of my being...

Except this time...
Since March 2009...
This fear occupies my whole self...
Because the fear is very real...

For I have been robbed...

Ever present...
I never know...
When it will strike...
Or what will set it off...

Catching a glimpse of a teenager...
Shaking her head with a non-verbal "nuh huh, no way"...
And eyes that say...
"If you buy this,I am no longer your daughter"...
As she looks at her mom with a tender smile...

You know the look...
That both my sister and I...
Have given our mom at least once...

The same one you gave yours...
When she was trying to shop...
For something to make herself seem...
More hip...

I have been robbed...

Hearing the rolling gutteral sound...
Of my baby's laughter...
As tickles...
Invades her little body...

I have been robbed...

While riding the city bus...
On a Saturday evening...
Seeing your 4-year old kid sport...
Huge butterfly wings...
And talk non-stop...
Telling a teenager on the bus...
About how wonderful...
Her friend's birthday party was...
With a bonus...
"Nice talking with you"...
As the stranger exits the bus...

I have been robbed...

Planning that trip...
The one every mother-daughter must go on...
Deciding on every little detail...
That drives you even closer together...
That trip...
You will always remember...

I have been robbed...

The family picnic at the beach...
With tons of food...
A barbecue...
And maybe even some balloons...
When games are played...
Then a toe is dipped first...
And the entire body soon follows...
Into the ocean...

I have been robbed...

The utter sense of pride...
Or of concern...
You get when your little one...
Takes a first step...
Or breaks a body part...

I have been robbed...

That look of sheer joy...
Or is it pure fear...
As she sits on a horse...
For the very first time...
Just like Maman did...
When she was a toddler...

I have been robbed...

The bottoms line is most people...
May only carry such a fear...
Into the corner of their being...
After being robbed of their material belongings...

But parents of angels, like me...
Will go through life...
Day in and day out...
Feeling like their gut was ripped...
Right out of their body...

Robbed of the gift of life...

Robbed of their unconditional love...

Robbed of memories to be...

Robbed of that photo on Santa's lap...

Robbed of the first tooth fairy loonie...

Robbed of the swimming classes...
And the pink tutu twirls...

Robbed of that first day of kindergarden...
With tears flowing as leave...
And smiles all around...
As I later pick her up...

Robbed of that first walk together to grade school...

Robbed of "that" look and impatiently tapping foot...
That yells out "Mom, I am old enough now"...

Robbed of turning a blind eye...
On nocturnal escapes in the moonlight...

Robbed of passing on the keys to the car...

Robbed of waiting up all night long for her to come home...
Having honestly forgotten about her curfew...

Robbed of seeing my daughter...
Choose the profession that makes her happy...
And not the one she thinks...
We would want her to be...

Robbed of witnessing my daughter...
Walk down the aisle one day...
Or better yet...
Throw herself an "un-wedding" party...

Robbed of seeing her growing belly...
And little feet kicking left and right...

Rob of meeting my grandchild...
And her watching grow...
Into the best person of all...
The person she chose to be...

Parents like me will forever face...
This fear of being brought back in that moment...
When their loved one was taken away...

Whether at the beach, strolling...
Hoping to put the day's stress and worries away...

Whether at the mall...
On public transit...

Chatting with friends and even family...

Waching a commercial on TV...

It is undeniable...
And it is clear...
That I have been robbed...
Of my love...
My life...
My soul...

I am the mother of an angel...
And I will never be safe...
Nor do I ever want to be...

But boy would I ever trade...
My loss with...
Anyone who thinks...
I will "get over" it...

You never get over grief...

You may learn to live with it...
You just find ways to cope...

Until that moment you fear...
Comes right at you...
And brings you back to the moment...
Where you realize...

I have plainly and simply...
Been robbed...

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

I Carry You In My Heart by E E Cummings

‎2 years ago on Aug. 14
I was due to welcome
Ella in this world.

Instead I am left
Celebrating the life of an angel
My angel,
Ella

Tonight, on August 14,
I came across
this amazing poem
A I will share it with you.

I Carry You In My Heart by E E Cummings

I carry your heart with me
(I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it
(anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart
(I carry it in my heart)

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

Blessing for Ella's Birthday

As I sit to write down my thoughts
It occurs to me that I have not
Stopped long enough in the last week
To actually say thank you

Thank you to friends and family
For their love and support
Today and every day

Thank you to my friend Helene
And to her staff
Not only for donating her yoga studio
But also for hosting a class by donation
So that I can help families at BC Children's Hospital
Live a more comfortable life

Thank you to Danielle
For the gift of beautiful flowers
And that of her presence
Yoga-ing & celebrating Ella
On her birthday

Thank you to my Facebook crew
For sending wishes and words of support
For what I anticipated would be a tough day

Thank you to my PVNH families
For your words of kindness

Thank you to my friend Emma...
For donating some of Jonah's favorites...
Books which will be offered to families...
At Children's Hospital this week...

Thank you to Mother Nature
For sending me some rain
On Ella's birthday
To make sure I took time to stop
Relax
And just breathe

As I sit and write down my thoughts
All I can say is thank you
To all of you
And most importantly
Thank you
To Ella for playing
With Maman on your 2nd birthday

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

Gratitude on August 1st, 2010

Someone who recently came into my life...
Told me today...
You cannot have gratitude without grief...
And you cannot experience grief without gratitude...

I could not agree more...

Today...
Just like yesterday...
I am grateful...

I am grateful for many...
Many people...
Many moments...
Many memories...

I am grateful for one...
One angel...
One love...
One life...

Today, and everyday, I do...
Count my blessings...
And express...
My gratitude...

But not until today...
Did I make it this public...

And so it goes...

Today I am grateful for the sun...
The warmth...
The peace I felt...
After a good cry...
By my daughter's grave...

Today I am grateful...
For my mom...
And my dad...
For my sister...
My brother...
Their spouses...
And chidlren...

Today I am grateful...
To have held a sweet baby boy...
Heard him laugh...
Seen him play...

Today I am grateful...
For friends who know...
Just how to lend an ear...
And bring back my waivering faith...
To show me that I am strong...

Today I am grateful...
Fo strangers who show support...
By joining in a cause...
And paying it forward...

Today, I am grateful for my amazing friend Yvonne...
And her husband Bart Bridge...
And for Wanda and Ivan Ravnic...
For Deborah Power-Demille...
And Francesca Benedetti...
And Deby Gulleckson...
And for Arlene and Dwaine Bridge...
All of whom kindly donated in memory of Ella...

Today, I am grateful...
For Nikki, on the other side of the world...
Who's encouraging words always...
Lift me up...

Today, I am grateful for Helene and the crew at Yogacara...
For Simone and the team at Solarice Spa...
Both of whom are offering their services...
To raise funds for BC Children's Hospital...

I am grateful for my friend Jennifer Terzi in Ottawa...
and for my friend Marie-Paule Dupont in Gatineau...
Who not only support me from afar...
But generously donate in memory of my girl...

Today I am grateful...
For so many wonderful people...
Who give me the strength...
To see another day...


ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels